Some days I
don’t feel like I’m a Survivor at all; I feel so sorry for myself, that nobody
else could possibly feel as bad as I do, and that no-one knows – or cares – how
much effort it takes to appear as ‘normal’ as I can.
This is
clearly absurd! Ever since my stroke – in 1999 – I have been surrounded by love
and support. Throughout the first year and a half my husband (now estranged)
and my daughters provided me with company for most of the day, every day (- I
am still in awe of their devotion!). Other members of our family and close
friends gave (and continue to give) untold support to me and to them. Now that
I am home – and have been for over ten years – I have got a superb team of
personal assistants (carers), who give me practical help and emotional support every
day. So I have rarely had to face things on my own. But, the fact remains …
some days I feel more of a sufferer than a survivor.
I have
always liked to ‘talk in pictures’. Metaphors have always played a big part in
my use of language; they seem to illustrate my meaning where mere words are
totally inadequate. Many years ago, my favourite - when describing the feelings
people might have when suddenly finding out something dreadful – was ‘like being
hit on the back of the head with a spade‘. Well…having a brain-stem stroke at
43, and being quadriplegic and dysarthric as a consequence was pretty much like
being hit on the back of the head with a spade – and after all these years I am
still seeing stars…
To say it
changed my life, and that of my family and friends, would be an understatement
and a half. From being a fiercely independent person, I have become someone who
is almost totally dependent. My relationships have changed from being ‘give and
take’ to ‘mainly take’…and some (but mercifully very few) have broken under the
strain. I hate the notion of being a ‘vulnerable adult’, but officially that’s
precisely what I am! Life for anyone close to me, is turning out very
differently from how we originally envisaged it. Just as a stone tossed into
the water sets off a series of ripples in ever-increasing circles, so the this stroke has had huge effects on the people
and things in my life, seemingly knowing no bounds.
And those ripples just keep on coming …..
