The English language just doesn't have the vocabulary to cope with the extremes of emotion I experience. Consequently, some of the descriptions of the way I feel fall well short of the mark. My life is full of understatements. Here are some of the main 'culprits':
Frustration People say to me 'You must get so frustrated ' or 'It must be so frustrating' H'm...yes ... and some ... Frustration is what you feel when you struggle to get a lid off that's stuck on a jar, or that feeling when the car won't start for the third morning in a row. But when you are desperately trying to make some-one understand what you are saying when it sounds perfectly clear to you ... or you're watching some-one make a hash of something you could do standing on your head ... and furthermore, that it's always going to be that way, that takes frustration onto a higher level.
Not for me the luxury, when having a row, of flouncing out of the room and slamming the door behind me! Any bad-temper or exasperation I feel just builds and builds - not unlike the pressure inside a pressure-cooker, as was once described to me. (And just like a pressure-cooker makes a dreadful noise as air escapes, I have been known- to my everlasting shame - to wail like a banshee when the frustration was too much to bear.)
Embarrassment I live with a level of embarrassment that I would never previously have thought possible. Before the stroke, I was very intolerant of being embarrassed, and would avoid situations where this was a risk. The stroke blew this to pieces. Everything about me now causes me embarrassment - the way I look, the way I sound, the way I eat, the way I drink; the noises I make, the fact that I dribble, and the scrapes I get into. The list is endless, but it became evident very early on that my life had to go on despite this.
I remember, one day two or three years after the stroke, making a conscious decision not to hide myself away any more - and began (in a small way at least) participating in the local community, and getting out-and-about. It took quite a while before I would eat in front of people, and even then, I confined myself to sharing a meal with close friends.
' Do as I say and not as I do' has never been so true! When I brought up my children, I led by example (I hope!), and I was pretty strict. Nowadays, I am far from a good example to my grandson...
The people who look after me make light of my shortcomings, and I laugh and joke a lot. All this merriment disguises a level of embarrassment that isn't comfortable to live with and is really beyond description.
... just a couple of the emotions I feel that are described totally inadequately, but with me constantly ...
you are a great example to your grandson, Mum! x
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