I guess that there are many women 'of a certain age' who don't like what they see when they study themselves in the mirror. I am no exception, though this has been made more acute for me as for the first year following my stroke I refused to look at myself! My right eye turned inwards towards my nose, and my mouth was horrendously twisted. Now, although the eye has been surgically corrected, and my mouth is almost normally-shaped, it is still a stranger who stares back at me every time. I do not like, or even recognize the old, fat face I see in the mirror.
For many years I used to be a 'glass-half-empty' person, always looking on the dark side so that I was prepared for the worst (or so I thought!). Then, after the stroke, I became a 'glass-half-full' person. I had to! It was the only way I could survive! I had to focus on what I could still do (not a lot), rather than what I had lost (a huge amount). Every little movement was cause for celebration ...every skill regained (however basic), cause for self-congratulation. I was positive ...always positive!
But now I hear the call of that half-empty glass! The little movements have stayed little! The vast improvement I secretly (well, maybe not so secretly) hoped-for hasn't materialised, and I'm tired of being positive!
I don't like the way I look, or the way I sound. I don't like the fact that I dribble, and burp, and cough without my hand in front of my mouth. I don't like having to be fed, having to be showered (& never a soak in the bath), and having my nose blown for me. I don't like having other people using my kitchen and not being able to drive my car, or dig my garden! I Don't Like an awful lot! I'm turning into a very Grumpy Old Woman!
But hang on a minute. Do I like living at home? (Er...yes); do I like spending time with my family? (yes); do I in fact like being alive? (well...yes).
It could all have been so very different. Perhaps my glass is half-full after all ...
: )
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