SCRIBBLINGS OF A STROKE-SURVIVOR

Some days I don’t feel like I’m a Survivor at all; I feel so sorry for myself, that nobody else could possibly feel as bad as I do, and that no-one knows – or cares – how much effort it takes to appear as ‘normal’ as I can.

This is clearly absurd! Ever since my stroke – in 1999 – I have been surrounded by love and support. Throughout the first year and a half my husband (now estranged) and my daughters provided me with company for most of the day, every day (- I am still in awe of their devotion!). Other members of our family and close friends gave (and continue to give) untold support to me and to them. Now that I am home – and have been for over ten years – I have got a superb team of personal assistants (carers), who give me practical help and emotional support every day. So I have rarely had to face things on my own. But, the fact remains … some days I feel more of a sufferer than a survivor.

I have always liked to ‘talk in pictures’. Metaphors have always played a big part in my use of language; they seem to illustrate my meaning where mere words are totally inadequate. Many years ago, my favourite - when describing the feelings people might have when suddenly finding out something dreadful – was ‘like being hit on the back of the head with a spade‘. Well…having a brain-stem stroke at 43, and being quadriplegic and dysarthric as a consequence was pretty much like being hit on the back of the head with a spade – and after all these years I am still seeing stars…

To say it changed my life, and that of my family and friends, would be an understatement and a half. From being a fiercely independent person, I have become someone who is almost totally dependent. My relationships have changed from being ‘give and take’ to ‘mainly take’…and some (but mercifully very few) have broken under the strain. I hate the notion of being a ‘vulnerable adult’, but officially that’s precisely what I am! Life for anyone close to me, is turning out very differently from how we originally envisaged it. Just as a stone tossed into the water sets off a series of ripples in ever-increasing circles, so  the this stroke has had huge effects on the people and things in my life, seemingly knowing no bounds.   

 And those ripples just keep on coming …..