5. No second chance !

I thought I had all the answers!  I used to think that a 'good' death was infinitely preferable to life-at-all-cost.  But that was before I stared death squarely in the face!
I distinctly remember thinking that I could just let-go, and 'join' my loved ones who had already died.  But then I thought of my husband with a new wife...of my daughters growing-up without me around ...of what I might miss...and I began to fight like crazy!  Boy, was it hard work! I was on a ventilator, but had to initiate each breath and the machine would then 'assist'. So, as one might plod along - putting one foot in front of the other - I forced one breath after the other. Considerations of  quality-of-life did not come into it; my focus was on survival.
As part of rehabilitation, I had regular sessions with a psychologist. During the twelve months that I was in rehab., I had three psychologists, and only one of them tackled what I would term 'nitty-gritty' topics. We discussed suicide. (I use the term 'discussed' loosely, as my speech was still at the grunting stage so discussion was rather one-sided, interspersed with nods and shakes of the head from me.) Things were bad. I was quadraplegic. I had double-vision, and my right eye turned inwards. My 'best' means of communication was blinking (although I was trying to talk again). My world (and that of my family) had turned upside-down. There was a huge possibility of feeling suicidal.
It was a well-founded possibility. Very soon I felt that I could take no more! Quite frequently these days - thirteen years on - I feel like throwing up my arms (only, I can't!), and shouting (only I can't!) - 'Please, no more' . I often feel like throwing in the towel, particularly when I think of all the things I used to do but will never again. I so wish I could wipe the slate clean, and start again.
But therein lies the problem. Starting afresh isn't possible. There is no second chance. You only get one go at this life. THIS IS IT!  And because - to me - the alternative is so final, and so dreadful, I have stuck with it.
I believe that it was Winston Churchill (forgive me if I'm wrong) who coined the phrase 'keep bu****ing on'. That has become my mantra...One foot in front of the other - ceaselessly plodding along ...