Thursday 22 August 2013

21. A question of balance

It  seems to come with the territory - having a stroke affects your sense of balance.

I never had much of a head for heights, but I could keep that pretty much under control. I remember, many years ago taking my younger daughter to St.Paul's Cathedral. She insisted climbing up to The Whispering Gallery. I coped with that by clinging to the wall around the outer edge (but drew the line at going outside at the top of the dome!). On another occasion I accompanied that aforementioned daughter to the top of York Minster. This time I did venture 'outside', but mercifully the 'outside' was surrounded by wire-netting. So I laced my fingers through the mesh and stood very still, while she explored enthusiastically.
Now it's a very different story! For the first few years following my stroke, I was able to subdue the feelings of panic (quite often by closing my eyes tight and leaving things to someone else). For example, whenever we visited my in-laws we had to take a ferry to an island off the coast of Scotland. Obviously I couldn't climb the steps from ship to shore. So my wheelchair was fixed to a contraption with caterpillar-tracks, which could be 'driven' by a member of staff over the steps. Depending on the height of the tide...it was a long way down! I would shut my eyes tight, breathe deeply, and put my trust in those around me.
I couldn't face doing that now...
I can't even bear to go anywhere near the edge of the kerb, and the mezzanine floors in some shops fill me with horror!
Not for the first time since I had the stroke, I've had to accept that 'mind over matter' just will not work on these occasions. I KNOW that I am extremely unlikely to fall over a cliff, from inside a car parked in a cliff-top car-park ...yet leave me alone in that car, and I quickly become a panicking, quivering wreck. I am ashamed! 
I have  dreadful trouble going over suspension bridges in a car, and will do anything to avoid windows more than two floors up. In short, I can only function with a modicum of self-respect on the ground or a completely enclosed upper floor. I used to beat myself up over this; thought I should 'pull myself together', and tried all sorts of relaxation techniques.
Then, one beautiful sunny day, I was out in the garden. I went around to the front of the house - a slightly more exposed position, overlooking hedges and fields. I looked up at the clear blue sky - and the world started spinning! I fell the same sensations of panic as when I'm up high. It all became clear. My sense of balance was completely distorted! Now, for all I know, this may be a well-recognised side-effect of stroke ...but it has taken me thirteen years to work it out for myself!
I'm no longer so hard on myself, am content to let others take control more often, and feel quite justified in refusing to get into situations where I wouldn't cope well.

"It's just one of those things"...

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