Thursday 19 September 2013

22. What's good about it?

I have always been a person for whom the 'glass is half-empty'. A pessimist, some might say! Very much an 'Eeyore character'; perhaps even Victor Meldrew! I would justify this by saying that if you expect the worst of people or situations, you're less likely to feel disappointed or let-down. I tended to have high expectations - which were rarely met, was very critical, and my outlook on life could be described as 'negative'. (At this point I should say that I am not proud of certain aspects of this attitude, and it was not popular with those close to me).
Following my stroke - in 1999 - I became a 'glass-half-full' person. A case of having-to, really. I was so relieved that I wasn't ...erm...dead, and glad that I was surrounded by my loved-ones, that anything else was a bonus. So any slight gain (however small) was a cause for celebration, and it became a sport to push the boundaries and bend the rules in order to squeeze out that extra bit of progress. For years my thoughts were pre-fixed with 'at least I can ...', or 'I'll find another way of doing ...'. Being thankful for small mercies became an art-form! Not even two bouts of serious illness or a brain-tumour could dampen my gung-ho spirit (although, I have to admit to one Major Life Event which happened about the same time and knocked me for six) - and I played them down ...bouncing back as quickly as possible.
All this positivity is completely out of character! And extremely tiring!
I'll not beat about the bush...It sucks!...(as my daughter would say)
The list of things I can't do is endless ...and it broke my heart saying No to my grandson when he asked me to play with him!
And yes, I know I should be glad that I'm even here to see my grandchildren,..
I'm back in my comfort-zone! Alongside Eeyore and Victor Meldrew! And if one more person tells me to 'Keep smiling'- I shall scream! (Except that I can't)
Grumpy Old Woman? Yes, that's me!

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